Bonus epilogue

Phia - five years later

Trigger Warning: description of a C-section

Well, working again has worked out for all but three months and the rest of my pregnancy with Cain. It would be a detrimental understatement to say he kept us on our toes. Cain is Ashton’s polar opposite—a troublemaker if there ever was one. Since he joined our family three nannies have quit on us, not beating around the bush when we asked them why.

Cain. Cain. And Cain.

I would lie to say I’m not overwhelmed by his behavior from time to time, and we even sought out psychological help. But apparently, he is just a rough, impulsive kid with no sense of danger. At three years old he thought it would be a good idea to climb the railing of the second story balcony and see if he could jump into the pool from there. Could he swim? Hell no. But according to him, it wasn’t necessary because he planned on jumping right out of the water again anyway. I still remember his tiny grin when he told me, “Don’t worry, Mommy. I’ll just be a froggy.”

I swear, he’s going to kill me and Gabe someday.

This is exactly the reason why we decided I would be working from home—minimally and only assisting with statistics and accounting, but it’s better than nothing. As much as it hurt to leave my office behind, there is nothing I wouldn’t give up for my family. The three Astor boys are my entire life, and no sacrifice is too big for them. And it’s not like Gabe hasn’t given up on something either. He brought in help after I left and split the position of CEO to be able to spend more time with us. 

After Cain, we also concluded that two kids would be plenty for our family. No more children with a little hellion like Cain, and I mean that in the most endearing way possible.

The last of our agreements didn’t work out so well though. Which is why I am being wheeled into the operating room right now, Gabe following behind me. Yeah, he got me pregnant again—on accident with his fucking superior sperm or whatever the hell he called it after I told him about the pregnancy. I think he’s a little too proud of himself for that.

“Make sure the doctor ties my tubes as soon as he gets this baby out of me,” I warn the nurse, and she chuckles.

“Phia, are you really sure that’s necessary?” Gabe whispers next to me, stroking my sweaty hair out of my face. I eye him with a death stare.

“No more babies, Mr. Astor!”

“But…”, he starts but I interrupt him.

“No buts,” I growl and squint at him. “Or only butts from now on if you don’t let them tie my tubes.”

Gabe smirks as he leans down to my ear. “Don’t tempt me, baby fawn. You know how much I love to be inside that tight ass of yours.”

I can’t even scold him for his words because I’m being pushed through double doors, and we have to leave Gabe behind. I hear the nurse talk to him, explaining where he can get dressed to join me in the operating room once I’m prepared for the c-section. But it feels like he abandons me when I go on without him. The room I’m brought to is so sterile, no warmth, just harsh lights and metal, as the anesthesia starts working and my hospital gown is pushed so far up it reveals my huge belly. The nurse puts up the visor stealing my view as something cold touches my skin. I shiver all over, my limbs tremble and my teeth clatter. My lips chap from the lack of moisture and the panicked breaths leaving my mouth.

“I need you to calm down, Mrs. Astor,” the nurse whispers to me softly when she checks my heartbeat on the monitor.

“Where is Gabe?” I stutter and my eyes dart around the room, wide and full of tears. This is my third birth, and still I feel like a total amateur with all those serious looking people covered in green mesh and sterile gloves looking like aliens around me. I don’t think I can do this. Beeping reaches my ear from my right as a gentle hand caresses my scalp. But it isn’t Gabe.

“It’ll be alright, Mrs. Astor. We’ll get this baby out of you in no time. Do you know the sex yet?”

I shake my head ever so slightly. We wanted to be surprised for the last. Gabe says it’s a girl, I say it’s a boy. With my luck probably one like Cain.

“That’s exciting,” the nurse coos next to me. “I’ll make sure the doctor lets you know as soon as he can tell.”

The doctor enters the room at that moment, walking towards me with confident steps. There is a smile on his lips, even if it’s hidden behind his surgical mask. But I can see it in his eyes, how they wrinkle and gleam. It’s genuine.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Astor,” he says cheerfully, “isn’t it a beautiful day to have a baby?”

I shake my head. “Where is Gabe?”

“Your husband will be here any second now. Don’t worry. We won’t start without him. After all, this is the time you can pay him back for the nine months of pregnancy. Squeeze his hand real tight for me, I like to see the fathers a little uncomfortable as well.”

I like him. He’s a great doctor and I wonder where he’s been for the other two of my births because I almost forget all my panic and worries.

“Are you flirting with my wife, Dr. Lillstett?”

“I would never, Mr. Astor. I’m a little too old for her anyway.”

Gabe reaches my side and appears in my peripheral with the ridiculous hairnet and green suit on. But he still manages to look as handsome as ever when he leans down to me and presses his masked covered lips to my temple.

“I’m here, baby fawn.”

“Gabe,” I choke out and can’t help the tear rolling down my cheek. He catches it and slings an arm around me, while his other hand finds mine, lacing our fingers together.

“It’s still not too late to bet on the sex, Phia,” he mutters, and I giggle. It’s entirely too hysterical but I’m nervous and anxious and ready to die.

“We love a good bet in the operating room,” Dr. Lillstett chimes in and turns towards his nurse.

“Gabe thinks it’s a girl. I say boy. So, we’re tied,” I explain, my voice shaky.

“What do your boys say?” the doctor asks and Gabe sighs.

“Also a tie. Ashton thinks it’s going to be a girl. But I think he’s just scared to have another brother. Cain says it’s most definitely a boy.”

Dr. Lillstett laughs at his words. “Well, we’ll see soon enough. You are going to feel some pressure now, Mrs. Astor. But it shouldn’t hurt. This is the time where you squeeze your husband’s hand. There are surgeons on standby in case any bones get broken.”

Gabe grumbles, but he leans down towards me and lets me feel his breath through the mask.

“Break my bones, Phia. I can take it.”

The pressure is almost unbearable. But the doctor is right. It doesn’t hurt. Uncomfortable bordering ripping apart seamlessly without any suffering—yes. But no pain rips through me as Dr. Lillstett manipulates my body and my baby until it finally slips out of my belly. He holds it up over the visor—bloody, raw, tiny and screaming.

“It’s a girl!” the nurse announces, and I immediately break out into tears.

“I won,” Gabe rumbles beside me but his voice is hoarse with emotion. He’s cried during all births of his children, and I love him even more for it. I turn my head towards him and realize this time is no exception. If he usually doesn’t show much of any emotion he turns into a sobbing mess as soon as he lays his eyes upon his babies for the first time. But it’s different now. There is a fierce protectiveness shining through the deep brown of his irises when he looks up at our daughter—one I only got little increments of with the two boys. But he looks at her with the eyes of the Hunter. She is his to protect, his to keep and his to shelter. Then the connection breaks, as our daughter is carried away by the nurse for a first check-up. I squeeze my fingers around Gabe’s hand.

“Go with her!” I urge him. “I don’t want her to be alone.”

He jolts upright and follows the nurse to the station where my baby is washed, weighted and swaddled. Gazing down at her he remains frozen next to them as the nurse skillfully does her job in just a few minutes, though it still feels like eternities to me.

“She’s perfect, Phia,” Gabe comments and his voice sounds so awestruck it sends goosebumps down my arm. “She has brown eyes and blond hair.”

A perfect mixture of the two of us. Which means we have one of everything now. Ashton, who looks just like me. Cain—the spitting image of Gabe. And our little girl—both of us coming together in the perfect completion of souls.

“Mothers first,” the nurse scolds as Gabe reaches his hands out to her. Carefully, she carries my daughter towards me, and Gabe can do nothing but follow her.

“Hello, my little girl,” I coo as she is laid into my arms her face nestling against mine. I kiss her nose, her wrinkly forehead, her perfect puffy cheeks, and tears of overwhelming love and joy roll down my face as I stare at her.

“You’re right,” I agree with Gabe breathlessly. “She is perfect.”

“God, Phia. I love you so fucking much. This is more than I ever dared to dream of,” he groans and presses his forehead to mine.

“Are you sure? There will be a lot of sleepless nights again.”

“I don’t think I slept soundly for one single night ever since Cain was born,” he grits out through clenched teeth. “I love that kid, but he is the reason why ten years are scraped off my life already.”

I laugh, but then I frown. “Do not talk about your son like this.”

“Like what? Like I love him more than I should? He’s a troublemaker because he is just like me. Reckless. Impulsive. And fast. That’s why he’s your favorite.”

Gabe smirks, and I gasp. “He’s not. I don’t have a favorite child. I love them all equally.”

“Of course, you do. I’m just messing with you. Besides, I’m your favorite. You love me the most,” he croons onto my skin.

I roll my eyes and let him kiss me, while our daughter writhes in my arms.

“She’s fussy,” Gabe murmurs against my mouth. “Does she not like when I take her mother away from her?”

“Maybe she doesn’t like her daddy to pay attention to anyone else?” I counter and grin widely.

“Baby girl, it’s going to be a tough life for you then. Better know from the start how utterly obsessed I am with your mother.”

“Do you have a name picked out yet?” the nurse interrupts us, returning with a plastic band for our baby’s foot and a sharpie to write her name on it.

“No,” Gabe says while I whisper, “Yes.”

The nurse chuckles. “It’s okay, you can talk about it first. I’ll just write down Baby Astor for now.”

“No,” Gabe says and turns towards me. “Go ahead, Phia. I want her to have the name you picked out.”

“Well, Mrs. Astor. What is your baby girl’s name then?” the nurse asks, her voice slightly more high-pitched than before. Is she attracted to my husband right now? I purse my lips and squint my eyes at her. But Gabe only looks at me, waiting for me to say our daughter’s name for the first time, and I’m not going to let my stupid hormonal feelings ruin this moment. So, I look him in the eyes and take one last deep breath.

“Her name is Malia Marielle Astor.”

Gabe stills beside me. His expression freezes and for a moment I fear he hates it. Silence encompasses me as I wait for his reaction. But he just stares at me. It’s not until a single tear slips from his eye that I finally breathe again and dare to blink.

“Do you like it?” I ask timidly and he shakes his head.

“No, Phia. I don’t like it. I love it. There is no name more fitting than that. It’s perfect.”

The nurse fastens the plastic band around her foot and lifts her off me. Gabe follows them out of the room. I know he doesn’t want to leave me in here, but I want him to stay with Malia. She is too tiny to be alone yet, without one of her parents. Even though I hate this part of the birthing. The stitches, the cleaning up, the sobriety after all the bliss. But I get through it, and when another nurse wheels me back to our room, Gabe and Malia are already there. He’s shirtless, sitting on the rocking chair with her on his chest, and my heart immediately swells in my rib cage when I see them. Tears slip silently from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks as I am transferred to the hospital bed. It hurts. But I don’t care. All I can do is keep my eyes on my husband and daughter in their bubble of love and overwhelming joy.  Oh, I could stare at them forever.

“Is there any space for us on the bed?” Gabe whispers to me and I don’t care about what the doctors told me about moving too soon. I heave myself to the edge of the bed with whatever superhuman might I find inside me and nod. He cradles our daughter to his chest as he walks towards me, climbing onto the bed. One arm around the baby and the other around me, he looks down at Malia.

“I always forget how tiny they are,” he murmurs and presses his lips against my temple.

“I think she is tinier than Ash and Cain.”

“She’s a girl,” he explains, and I roll my eyes.

“That doesn’t matter. She’s just a baby. I was bigger than Lex at birth.”

He laughs. “You know I’ll tease him about that for the rest of his life.”

“You tease him about everything, this won’t matter much.”

We fall into hours of a fairytale so unreal it can’t be my life. But it is, and I soak up the moments of blissful intimacy where it’s just the three of us. Eventually, I tell Gabe to text his mother, though. Because as much as I love this bubble we’re in, I miss my boys, and I don’t think it’s fair to leave Marielle with Cain and Ashton for much longer. It’s a miracle they’re not at the hospital already, treating broken bones or bloodied noses.

“Are you sure you’re ready for them?” Gabe asks as he lays Malia into my arms and searches for his cell phone. I nod, tapping a finger against her tiny nose.

“Think she’s ready to feed for the first time?” 

I just think out loud when my baby cranes her neck and smacks her lips looking for something to suck on. Gabe turns around to me and smiles.

“I hate when I have to share your tits with someone else,” he grumbles but I know he’s joking. He’s usually enthralled by the sight of me breastfeeding and in awe of what my body can accomplish.

“Well, good thing it’s the last time. You’ll have them all to yourself in about six to eight months from now.”

I pull down my hospital gown and offer one of my breasts to Malia. She latches right on, sucking and drinking like a pro. It hurts. It always does the first few times because it takes a while for the real milk to come in, but I just bite my bottom lip and look down at my daughter.

“Cain and Ashton didn’t get it this well the first time,” I say in awe as Gabe puts his phone away.

“Well, she must be more like me after all.”

I wrinkle my nose in disgust. “That’s very distasteful, Gabe. She’s just a baby.”

He chuckles as Malia’s head lolls to the side, and I support it with my elbow while he comes closer to me.

“Mom will be here with Ash and Cain in about twenty minutes. Do you need anything? I’ll bring it with me when I get them from the lobby.”

“Oh, I’d love a cold can of soda and some salty popcorn.”

He chuckles. “You got it, Mrs. Astor.”

I try to tug my gown back up, but it just falls off my shoulder again. Sighing, I point to my duffel bag and Gabe helps me change into a huge knit sweater, so at least my upper body half is dressed decently. The rest is covered by a blanket, so I don’t care much about it.

Gabe leaves after fifteen minutes to pick up the boys and I am alone with my daughter for the first time.

“It’s us in a house full of boys, Malia,” I whisper to her. “It isn’t always easy, baby girl. But we’ll stick together.”

I want to say so many more things to her, so many words just for us, but I’m too enthralled with the sight of her. Big brown eyes squinting up at me, the slightest bit of blond hair curling on her wet forehead, and the cutest button nose that looks so much like Ashton’s when he was just a newborn. I trail my index finger over her pouty lips, and she sucks it into her mouth immediately.

“No, baby girl,” I scold gently. “This won’t be a habit we’ll pick up.”

Tugging my finger out of her mouth, I watch as her nose scrunches and the most adorable frown forms on her tiny face.

“Uh-huh, you’re going to wrap your daddy around your little finger with that look, Malia.”

There is a knock on the door and my heart thunders against my rib cage, pressing Malia closer to me. A smile tugs at my lips as my eyes stare at the entrance to my hospital room.

“Come in!” I answer and the door opens in slow motion. Gabe pushes Ashton inside and follows with Cain, holding him back by the shoulder with a firm grip of his hand. Marielle sticks her head through the door next and smiles brightly.

“Is it okay if I come in as well?” she asks quietly, and I chuckle.

“Of course, come inside.”

She slips through the door, as Cain fights against the hold of his father’s hand.

“Mommy!” he squeals loudly and thrashes against Gabe. He hauls him back against his body with his other hand as well and leans down to him.

“Remember what we talked about, Cain. Mommy needs to rest. You will be quiet and there is no jumping on her. Understand?”

His brows furrow in displeasure while he crosses his arms over his chest. With a proudly raised chin he pushes his bottom lip forward, pouting in defiance.

“This isn’t something your attitude will change, Cain. So drop it, if you don’t want me to march you right back out.”

“I want to see Mommy,” he demands sulkily and closes his eyes to escape Gabe’s stern expression.

“You can, Cain,” I coo from the hospital bed. “I just can’t play so rough right now. Come sit on the bed with me.”

I pat the spot beside me where Gabe sat a few minutes ago. He eyes me with raised brows, and I nod. As soon as he lets go of Cain he bolts forward, sprinting towards me and jumping up on the bed. Gabe follows after him, reaching us just in time to stop him from climbing up my body. He pushes him down onto the mattress with two strong hands on his shoulders and sighs deeply.

“I swear to God, Cain, calm the fuck down!”

“Language, Gabe,” I hiss and glare at him. His voice wasn’t raised, he didn’t even sound angry. I just don’t want a kid like Cain running around cussing. That’s the last bit of improper behavior this child needs to be doomed as the troubled kid everywhere he’ll go.

“Who is that?” Cain asks, ignoring his father completely and extending a pointed finger towards Malia.

“This is your sister,” I answer him and his nose scrunches in disgust.

“I didn’t want a sister,” he complains, and I chuckle while Gabe rolls his eyes.

“It’s a girl?” Marielle rejoices and walks towards the bed slowly. I nod and turn around to her. But before I can face her completely my eyes land on Ashton. He’s frozen to the spot Gabe left him, looking down at the floor and kneading his hands nervously. His bottom lip trembles ever so slightly and a sting goes through my heart. Cain is so good at capturing all our attention while Ash always keeps quiet and battles it out by himself, even at five years old. But I know this look. He is about to cry, desperately holding back tears. Either because he doesn’t want the attention or because he doesn’t want to deal with his brother’s condescension.

“Ash,” I call out to him, and his head snaps upwards. His eyes are wide as he looks at me and his pale face contorts in fear.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“I…,” he stammers and blinks furiously, “I don’t want to hurt you, Mom.”

I smile at him, and a small chuckle crawls up my throat. He thinks he’s so grown-up whenever he calls me Mom, because Cain still says Mommy and only little kids do that. It’s the only superiority he has over Cain, and he desperately holds on to it, rarely slipping up. It only happens when he’s hurt or deeply distraught.

“Come here, Ashton. I missed you so much, my perfect angel. You won’t ever hurt me.”

He blinks. Slowly, he inches towards me, his feet dragging across the floor. It takes him an eternity to reach me and he’s careful to come to my other side, keeping my body between his brother and him. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and press him to my side. Kissing his head, I sigh deeply and feel whole. My entire family surrounds me and the feeling of completion crashes over me so rapidly I feel dizzy. A single tear slips from my eye and Ashton frees himself off my arm and scoots backwards.

“Are you hurt?” he asks, his voice panicked.

“No, Ash. I’m very happy. I love you so much. And Cain, too. And Malia. And your father. This is perfect.”

Slowly, he creeps back to me and lets me wrap him in my arm again. He’s finally brave enough to look at his sister and his reaction is completely different to Cain’s. But why wouldn’t it be? Everything is so different about my boys.

His eyes go wide as saucers while his mouth stands slightly ajar. The awe on his face is chiseled into stone, his features are so unmoving. He falls in love with his little sister in this instant and it melts my heart in my chest.

“Would you like to hold her, Ash?” I ask. He nods, not able to form any words.

“Go sit in that armchair. Your dad is going to bring her over,” I instruct gently, and he does so immediately. Gabe reluctantly lets go of Cain and takes Malia out of my arms. He tells Ashton how to position himself and gently lays her against his body, supporting her head while Ash holds her to his chest.

“Malia,” he murmurs, and I smile brightly, until a hand tugs at my hair, and I wince. With a sigh, I wrap my arm around Cain and firmly press him to my side. He surrenders to my hug and slants his head until it rests on my chest. Gently, I lace my fingers through his black hair and wipe it out of his forehead.

“What did you do with grandma all day?” I ask and he rolls his eyes.

“Ash made cookies with her. But I didn’t want to.”

“So, what did you do?”

“I mashed them up and fed them to the ducks on the pond,” he chuckles with a devious grin on his lips.

“Cain,” I scold gently, “that isn’t really nice.”

“It is, too,” he talks back in the sweetest devilish voice. “The ducks were hungry.”

“And what about all the work your brother and grandma put into making the cookies?”

He raises his eyebrows at me in confusion and scratches his head.

“Cookies are eaten anyway. Why does it matter who eats them?”

I groan. This boy is too smart for his own good. He’s a genius. But I think that makes him even more dangerous when he grows up. We are in so much trouble.

“I’ll bake new cookies with you, Ash,” I promise, and Gabe gives me a knowing look. I just shrug and kiss Cain’s temple before I let go of his head and his hair falls wildly onto his forehead again.

“Cain is going to join you this time,” Gabe whispers to Ash. “How does that sound?”

Ashton doesn’t answer him. His eyes are still trained on Malia as if his entire world lays in his arms right now.

Marielle takes over Gabe’s place and jerks her head towards me.

“Go to your wife, Gabe,” she murmurs as she gently sits down next to Ash. Gabe joins me and Cain on the bed, lifting him onto his lap and wrapping his arms around his middle. Cain screams and thrashes in his hold. But he soon breaks out into giggles.

“You little troublemaker, Cain. I ought to be more strict with you, you know that?”

He laughs, throwing his head back against Gabe’s shoulder and sticks his tongue out at him.

“Such a cheeky little boy. Do I have to tickle you until you behave?” Gabe warns teasingly and Cain shakes his head.

“Hm, I think I do.”

Laughter fills the room as Gabe relentlessly tickles Cain breathless. He’s panting on his lap and collapsing onto his chest minutes later, catching his breath before he falls to his side and curls up against his father. His thumb finds his mouth and before he can suck even once I pull it out, shaking my head. I don’t know why he picked up this habit. It doesn’t fit the rest of his overly big self-confidence or wildness.

“When are you coming home, Mommy?” he asks and wraps his hand around my finger.

“In a few days, baby.”

He nods, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

“Alright, boys,” Gabe announces. “Time to go home with grandma.” He cradles Cain to his chest, while Marielle returns Malia to me.

“You have a wonderful daughter. Thank you for letting me see her this early,” she murmurs and presses a kiss to my temple. I nod.

“Her name is Malia Marielle,” I say, and she freezes above me. Tears stream down her face as she shakes her head.

“You are too precious, sweetheart. I’ll never be able to tell you just how glad I am you joined our family. Gabe did good with you.”

I swallow thickly as Marielle is pushed to the side by Ashton who finally finds the courage to climb up the bed to me. He leans down to me, and I softly kiss his cheek.

“I love you, Ash. Don’t let Cain tease you too much, okay?”

“I won’t. Love you too, Mom.”

Gabe ushers them out of the room and when the silence fills the air around me, I sigh. This was a lot. It was wonderful, but still exhausting. I hold Malia close to my chest and tip my head back.

“This is your life now, Malia. The craziness, the wildness and the loudness. But don’t worry.” I kiss her little forehead before I finally say the words just for us girls. We need this little reminder, and I’ll make sure she knows every day of her life just how capable she is. So, I pass on the only thing that ever kept me going during times where I felt all alone—before I met Gabe, before he freed me of my burden, and before he made me whole.

“You’re an Astor, Malia. You are capable of anything you put your mind to. You are stronger than the rest. You are worthy of victory. You are a fucking queen.”

Let me know what you think about Phia’s and Gabe’s little family in the comment section below.